1. Always true, we have to model the behavior we want to see in kids. This same study showed that adults lie on an average of once a day. One in four were white lies and most were attempts to appear kinder or smarter to others. But there were those who lied for “convenience” like needing a day off work.
2. Create an environment where truth is valued. Sometimes it is confusing for children to see a parent “lie” to avoid hurting someone’s feeling-like complimenting a meal you don’t really like. Children should be taught how to handle those situations too. For example: Say, “thank you for inviting us for dinner or you worked really hard, I appreciate that.”
3. Keep calm. The first time you know your child is lying will be your first test. One thing you do not want to do is let the child become the center of attention over this. Many children love this spot and will hang on to it so staying calm while you point out the problem and explain why lying is wrong is the best approach.
4. Don’t play the Lying Game. Dr. John Rosemond defines this in this book, The Well Behaved Child. A parent sees a child chewing gum and ask “are you chewing gum” the child lies because she is not supposed to be chewing gum. This can go on forever with mom asking, child lying. So Dr. Rosemond says, don’t ask those kinds of questions. If you notice the child is chewing gum or whatever, say “you are chewing gum when I asked you not to. Go spit it out.” No lying necessary.
5. Don’t feed the lying lion. That means stop it or nip it immediately by not asking more questions or responding to “You think I’m lying.” Don’t become involved in an argument over lying.
6. Lying and stealing don’t respond to punishment. You have to be more creative than taking away something.
Accepting the Tween Challenge
1. Try hard to understand them. If possible, mentally take yourself back to those years or try to remember a sibling at that age. This will help you understand what they are going through. If you haven’t seen Diary of a Wimpy Kid, you need to rent it. It will take you back to junior high, as we called it, now middle school. It’s important to express your understanding, even if you don’t totally understand their behavior. They don’t understand it either.
2. Accept the tween years for what they are: a temporary situation for both of you. But, you have to accept that the child you love and adore is growing up. The transition is not easy for them or you, so your acceptance of them is critical.
3. Be willing to change your parenting style. Trying to parent an eleven year old as if he is seven will not be productive. You cannot “keep things the same” if you want to successfully parent your tweenagers. Part of that includes don’t micromanage a tweenager. These are the perfect years of trial and error for them. If they don’t do their homework in a timely way, let them suffer the consequences. If they stay up too late, don’t fuss at them when they are sleepy the next day. They will soon figure it out.
4. Keep the communication door open. Often tweenagers make no sense at all or they want to tell you lengthy stories about their dreams or someone at school or someone’s parent who is, as they would say, weird. Then it’s important to say, “We understand how you feel. Now we want you to listen to what we say.” The subtle difference here is we understand you, you LISTEN to us. Understanding, for a child, isn’t always immediate.
5. Stay interested and involved. This does not mean to be the helicopter mom. This means to take the time to ask question, listen, and participate in the child’s activities.
Settling Sibling Squabbles
Here’s the John Rosemond technique:
1. Clearly Define the House Rules
At a time when your kids aren’t fighting – at family meeting – discuss what types of behavior you expect from them. Write the down on a sheet of paper and post it.
Family Rules:
1. Keep your conflicts to yourselves. Do not disturb anyone else with it.
2. Do not complain to mom and dad about each other.
3. Make no attempt to physically hurt one another.
Remember--Do not have too many rules. You don’t need them and they are confusing.
Next—
1. Explain to your children the ticket or strike system. This is just like what many teachers use. Tell your children the tickets represent the times they or their siblings break the peace rules. These can be just construction paper cut outs.
Start with three tickets per one child. If you have two children—you will have four tickets. If you have three children, you will have five tickets, a piece, per day. Here’s the exception to the system—children need to be at least 3 ½ for it to work effectively.
There will no longer be any need in yelling at them or getting frustrated. Simply remove a ticket each time the child or children break a rule. Simply tell them, you broke the house rule of keeping the peace. If they argue, simply say, you just did it again, that will cost you another ticket. Every child loses a ticket if one child is arguing. That is why they have four or five chances in a day to get it right.
2. When a rule is broken, it is important to not ask what happened or to solve the problem, simply remove the ticket.
3. When the last ticket is taken for the time, the children go to their rooms and go to bed early. It is helpful to reduce the entertainment value of their room before this happens. But if there are books to read and one or two toys, that is okay.
This method puts the behavior of the child where it belongs—on the child’s shoulders. Children will stop competing for the “victim” award and learn to get along. They learn to keep their conflicts to themselves which is a skill that will help them at college, work, and in their marriages.
Raising Resilient Children
1. Dial down the cheerleading—in the past 40 years, we’ve been told we have to cheer our children on with expressions of grandeur or they won’t have a healthy self-esteem. This world has gotten us into a lot of trouble. First of all, a healthy self-respect is important, but that comes from hard work and giving of yourself to others. A healthy self-esteem has no place in the life of a Christian. The bible never mentions this word, in fact the Bible says in Romans 12:3--
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”
So, what do we say to our kids to encourage them. Research now shows that people who are praised for their effort than their ability have a better chance of excepting disappointment and moving on than children who are praised and rewarded for their results. So instead of saying “You are a great basketball player” say “All your hard word is paying off.”
2. Teach them to break down more difficult tasks—again, don’t do this for them—teach them how to do it. All jobs are like looking at a 1000 piece puzzle and not knowing where to start. My grandfather taught me to find the corners, then the straight edges and then I was on my way. Every task—learning to play the piano or do your homework or clean your room—is the same way. We all approach these type of tasks with our God given personality. My son always struggled with the big tasks—a big report or a science project—even two pages of homework instead of one. I had to teach him how to take one step at a time until the job was done.
I read one tip about a mom who writes down the breakdown of a new task or skill so her girls can see it. For example jumping rope: she wrote down “watch mom jump” then “jump in slow motion” then “practice for three minutes.” The mom said one of her girls is easily overwhelmed and this has shown her that she can do anything if she breaks it down.
Albert Einstein once said, “It’s not that I’m so smart, I just stay with problems longer.” We live in an age where “staying with a problem” is boring. We have to teach our children to stay with it until you figure it out.
3. The agony of defeat is a blessing.The fear of failure keeps some of us from ever trying anything new. We have to teach our children that failure is a part of life. And not a bad part, but an important part. Helen Keller said, “Defeat is simply a signal to press onward.”
Playing simple board games or card games with your children will teach them that life will give them wins and losses, but it how they deal with both that really matters in life.
4. Be a role model—as with most everything else, our children need to see us doing what we want them to do. Don’t shield them from seeing things that go wrong in your life. Help them see that you view these disappoints as opportunities to grow.
To Nip Misbehavior in the Bud, you will have to do three things and they are very simple. The hard part is our favorite word—consistency!
1. Tell them one time: Did you ever stop to think that when you tell your child to do something more than one time, you are insulting their intelligence? Don’t do it. There is no reason to repeat yourself over and over. That becomes a bad habit for you as well as the child. Teachers are told to stop repeating to students because it weakens their power. If a student knows a teacher is going to repeat herself, he conditions himself to tune her out. Children to the same thing to moms. They learn quickly that mom will give her instructions three times, so they wait to really pay attention. If you want them to do what you say the first time, tell them that and don’t repeat it. You will soon learn that you have very smart children capable of following directions. This will make for great adults—adults who can handle a job.
2. So what do you do next, when they don’t listen. Do what you can when you can. Dr. John Rosemond, a leading child psychologist says that language based memory begins to form around the third birthday; so if a child is older than three, you can delay consequence for their misbehavior for a period of time consistent with their age. For example, for a three year old-24 hours; for a five year old, a few days; for a nine year old, a week. So here’s how this works, you go in the grocery store with your five year old. You have clearly stated the child is not to leave your side, but she sees the candy she has been wanting and runs to the candy isle. You do not have to run after her and say, “what did I tell you….” Just go get her and finish your shopping—calmly. Now to step three..
3. This is the “key” ingredient to nipping it in the bud and probably something very opposite from what you have been told. The punishment should not fit the crime. Let’s go back to our example of the little girl running to get the candy. Mom has gone and gotten her and she is now calmly finishing her shopping. The little girl, no doubt, feels like she just got away with a misbehavior. Because the little girl is five and the mom is a smart mom, she just waits until she gets home and unpacks the groceries. She even waits until after supper and then she says, “Sweetheart, today at the grocery store, I told you to not leave my side. But, you didn’t obey me. You ran to the candy isle and I had to go get you. When you choose to do the wrong thing, they are always consequences so I want you to go get your pajamas on, brush your teeth and get in bed.” She will be very unhappy and will beg and plead, but you will not give in. You do not engage in unproductive conversations. The next time you go to the grocery story—she will probably do exactly what you ask her to do. If not, repeat the process.
There are three C’s in communicating with your children that are most important. (see books by Dr. John Rosemond for more on this subject)
1. Be Commanding: This is not because you love the position of being the boss; it is because children like to know who is in charge. Speak to your children directly and authoritatively like, “I want you to…” or “You need to…” If you want certain things done, you have to say them with no uncertainty in your voice. My mother was the voice of authority. When she spoke, we said yes-mam and did what she ask when she asked it. As we got older and were well on our way to good behavior, she would sometimes offer the commands this way, “Would you like to wash the dishes.” And we would jokingly say, No, thanks. But it was clearly a joke. She wasn’t really asking us if we wanted to, she was telling us that would be our job for the evening.
2. Be concise: Don’t use fifty words when five will work. Children really don’t want a lot of words from the adults in their life. When we were growing up, we hated lectures. In fact, I knew kids who would take a spanking over a lecture. Children seem to blow a brain fuse when too many words come out of a parent’s mouth so keep it short. “Take the trash out now”—five words and you’re done. You don’t need, “Sweetie, please take the trash out. The kitchen really gets to smelling bad when you leave it overnight and the neighbors are coming over tomorrow and besides that, the sack might leak and on and on…
3. Be concrete: Speak in language that is as specific as you can say. Saying “Be good in church” is too abstract. “I want you to sit quietly beside me in church this morning” tells the child exactly what you expect out of them.
Some common techniques parents use today that are NOT working are:
A. Give too many instructions at one time. Especially for children younger than five, it’s important to say what you expect and limit it to one or two commands like, “Pick up the toys and put them in the toy box.” If you tell a three year old to pick up the toys then put her shoes away and then go brush her teeth, it might be too much at one time.
B. Using the word “lets.” This is not authoritative and confuses the issue. There is no “lets” in the command. The child is to do it himself, so say that. “It’s time to clean up the room, not Let’s clean up the room.”
C. Phrasing the command in the form of a question: How about picking up your clothes? Of course, we all know the answer to that. “No or later.”
D. Using abstract rather than concrete terms: “I want you to be good leaves” too much too the imagination. Say, I want you to keep your hands by your side and walk close to me as we walk through the store. Simple and easy to follow for any age kid.
E. Following instructions with an explanation: “I want you to get in the car so we can go home.” Instead say: I want you to get in the car. Children should learn to obey because you said so, not because they agree with the reason given. First of all, 99% of the time, they won’t agree with the reason.
The TWO Steps Needed for Consistent Parenting
1. Plan Ahead: It’s nearly impossible to be consistent when you are in a reactive mode. When you are angry or frustrated in the moment, it’s natural to yell, “You are grounded for life!” But later you might have to take that back. Not good. Plan ahead by telling your children upfront what the rules are and the consequences for breaking. That is the first step. So you can do either of these things:
a. Set a meeting with your husband and write down the problem areas in your life and the way you want to handle it—the consequences.
b. Include your children in the meeting. Let your children know a new sheriff is in town and it’s you—not them.
c. Clearly communicate the plan. It might be good to write them clearly and post them—like the teacher at school does.
2. Follow through EXACTLY as you have stated.
a. Expect the children to test the rule. Remember it’s not really a rule until it’s been tested so expect that. Kids mission in life is to see if mom and dad really know what they’re doing.
b. Refuse to yell or get upset. After all, you knew this was going to happen so don’t swallow the bait. Stay calm and say, “I see you have broken rule number ?, tonight….
c. Do not give in! Here is the real test for you—hold your ground—you can do it!
d. Remember, it’s the message, not the method that matters here. We also say “consistency doesn’t mean boring” as we leave you each week. So what does that mean? In the discipline department, that means you and your husband do not always have to agree on the terms of the discipline technique. Your husband may choose to ground your teen, while you may choose to take away something valuable. The method isn’t nearly as important as the message you are sending. The message is, when mom and dad ask you to do something, we expect it to be done or whatever the message is you’re sending.
So don’t get hung up in the method, stay consistent in your message.
Tips to help you reach your New Year’s goals:
1. Skip the “perfect” thinking: While our goal is to conquer the task, it’s healthier to think positive about out progress rather than negatively about our failures. Stop thinking of an A- as less than an A and think of it as better than a B.
Philippians 12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
2. See setbacks as lessons: We are going to make mistakes, but if we pay attention, we will learn from them. Setting goals doesn’t mean Plan B might not have to become Plan A. We have to constantly evaluate our progress to see if we’re taking the right steps. Mistakes can be, and usually are, opportunities for learning.
“Beginning again” is a biblical principle:
a. Lamentations 3:22
b. The Message (MSG)
c. 22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.
3. Stay away from absolutes: If great to reach for the stars, but there’s wisdom in being realistic. If you set a goal of not yelling at your kids anymore you will probably have trouble by dinner time. If you set a goal of taking your vitamins EVERY day, you will disappoint yourself by Wednesday. It’s better to say, I will yell less often or I will set my vitamins out for the week and take them more often. God is the only perfect one and His promises never fail.
Joshua 23:14
14 “Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.
4. Say your goals out loud and to others: Sharing your goals with others gives you an accountability partner. This has to be someone you trust and someone you will listen to. If you are not willing to listen to them, it will not do any good to tell them. The goal is for them to help you stay on course. Telling others is another biblical principle because God knows its effective.
James 5:16
The Message (MSG)
16-18Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn't rain, and it didn't—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.
5. Seek the deeper message: Experts say our goals need to have a deeper connection to us than most people generally state out loud. For instance, you want to quit smoking needs to have a deeper message, like you want to live to see your children grow up. If you want to exercise more, you need to get deeper and say to be able to keep up with my kids and be a healthier example to them. Without a strong internal motivation, it will be hard to be successful.
This is how God operates. Everything God does has a deeper meaning. The further along we get in science, the more we are able to see how the tiniest of plants or animals has a purpose. Every step God takes leads to a deeper, more important goal. If we can have this mindset, we will reach our goal.
6. See the big picture through small steps: Don’t start your exercise regimen with two hours a day. That’s crazy! Start with two days a week—20 minutes a day—and work your way up.
God is a goal-setting God. Nothing God does is without purpose, but sometimes we don’t see the purpose for many years. God is content with baby steps. He can see the big picture.
Here are some stress-less tips that just might help you have a merrier Christmas.
1. Change your thinking! Use the word preferences to replace the word demands. This means to rethink what you think is SUPPOSED to happen --change that to what you would like to happen, if you can get to it. Just that simple thought process will take some of the stress away.
2. Look at others for encouragement. If you are a stress person, look at other’s who are not. Do what they do. Imitate, copy, mimic—pretend you are so and so, who never gets stressed about anything. We are smarter than we think. We can learn by example.
3. Entrust Others! This one seems so simple, but moms are typically terrible at this. So, practice letting others help you.
Create a "job jar." Make if fun—let everyone draw for their job for the evening. But remember, you may have to make your expectations a little bit to accommodate your little ones.
4. Accept financial reality--"I want, I want!" is a phrase that will wear a parent down—it’s exhausting so don’t listen to it. Make a fun night of letting your kids do their Christmas list, but don’t shy away from telling them that some things are too expensive. Even Santa has his limits because he has lots of boys and girls to take care off.
5. Relative happiness is best!
Don't try to solve past issues with family members over the holidays. Holidays are a time for unity, not war. Again, this is a thinking deal—just decide to “let go” of things that will cause disharmony. Everyone can be kind for a short time—choose kindness over harshness. Everyone wins this way. If you have college kids home for the holidays, don’t “love” them so much that you allow them to get away with things your other children don’t get to do. Expect them to do their share around the house.
Here are some helpful hints for Simplify Your Holiday Season.
1. Simplify your meals. Double and freeze things you make at Thanksgiving so you can just thaw it out at Christmas. Look into a few precooked dishes you can buy. Make a big pot of beans, soup, or chili and freeze them to pull out later.
2. Buy festive paper goods early so you’re ready for a meal in a hurry. This is called investing in your own sanity. Paper goods can be fun to serve on and easy to clean up.
3. Buy store bought refrigerator cookie dough for your cookie decorating day with the kids.
4. Plan a super-shop day for household essentials. Take one day off work to get all your household need for November and December—like toilet paper, laundry detergent, dog food, etc. Make a list so you don’t forget anything. No need to go to WalMart during the busiest time of the year if you don’t have to.
5. Buy the same gift for several family members or coworkers. Don’t reinvent the wheel. If you see something that works, get several and don’t look back. Go to the dollar store and load up on cute Christmas bags to wrap them in.
6. Shop strategically. Shop for all the children on your list at one time, then all the men, then all the women. Grouping keeps you in the same sorts of places.
7. Let go of traditions that you just don’t have time to do anymore—like Christmas cards. Use the internet instead to wish your friend a merry Christmas. Maybe plan a weekend trip with friends or family members instead of exchanging gifts.
8. Cut back on your decorating, but not on your enthusiasm. Gather the family together and tell them you don’t want to spend so much time getting the house ready, you would rather spend the time with them. So plan a night or a Saturday morning to decorate. Turn on the Christmas music and allow yourself a certain number of hours to finish the job. When the time it up, you simply stop and be happy.
9. Memorize these words, “That’s a great idea. Maybe I can do that next year” and “Sorry, I can’t. Try me next year.”
Being Thankful at Thanksgiving
1. We remember that still our most valuable food source comes from the earth – For thousands of years, people have celebrated the fact that our earth brings us nourishment. Now, industrialization makes it more difficult to SEE the earth at work, but we still recognize that we depend on the earth for our food. Some part of our Thanksgiving celebration should include being thankful for our food.
2. We feel a sense of national unity - President Abraham Lincoln first declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863. That’s a little over two hundred years after the first thanksgiving dinner in 1621. President Lincoln saw this as a way to unite the North and the South after the Civil War. Prior to this national date, the different states celebrated in their own way. When we, as a nation, agree on something, it is unifying.
3. It promotes national pride - Plymouth colony was not the first English colony in North America. That was Jamestown, but the story of the Plymouth colony is one of success where Jamestown was not considered a success. It was important to portray America as a successful place to start a new life, so stories spread of Plymouth which encouraged other settlers and a sense of national pride.
4. It’s a time to recount history and appreciate the Native Americans – Each year at Thanksgiving, the stories are told of the native Americans who helped the pilgrims learn to plant crops. It’s a contribution to our history that should not be forgotten. The colonists were freezing and starving when the Native Americans stepped in and helped them. Names like Squanto are said at least once a year. Squanto is the Indian credited with acting as interpreter for the pilgrims and taught them to fish, hunt, and plant crops.
5. We give God the Glory-when we stop to acknowledge the One who brings us our food, our freedom, our families, we realize that there is someone who is protecting us. The original thanksgiving was celebrated for this reason only. They knew nothing of the civil war or a football game, it was simply to thank God that they had survived the terrible journey of coming to America and building a new life. The original feast was not called Thanksgiving, but it was declared to give thanks to God.
Some Healthy Thanksgiving Alternatives
Sweet Potatoes -Sugary and covered with a crunchy, toasty topping of marshmallows is delicious, but maybe not your friend in the diet category. Try roasting them with apples and herbs or baking them and sprinkle a little cinnamon on top.
Cranberries- Cranberries are a great choice, because they're full of antioxidants and fiber and can help lower cholesterol. The problem lies in the tendency to cook them with multiple cups of sugar. Ditch the sugar and add them to stuffing or use them as a salad topper.
Stuffing—Stuffing is butter. Bread. Salt. Stuffing is normally comprised of those three ingredients, but if prepared correctly, it can actually be fairly healthy. Consider using whole-grain bread and low-sodium chicken broth instead of butter, then adding in carrots, celery, onions, garlic, nuts and fresh herbs.
Green Bean Casserole-Ditch the canned beans and cream of mushroom soup. Try a fresh alternative instead! Boil about a pound of snapped beans and cook for 3 to 4 minutes. Strain the beans and rinse in cold water for a few minutes. In a large skillet, add a little olive oil and three sliced garlic cloves. Cook for 1 to 2 minutes. Add in one small package of sliced baby Portobello mushrooms. Add the beans to the skillet. Cook for about 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste, and finish the dish off with a sprinkle of sesame seeds.
What Does Celebrating Thanksgiving Do for US?
1. We remember that still our most valuable food source comes from the earth – For thousands of years, people have celebrated the fact that our earth brings us nourishment. Now, industrialization makes it more difficult to SEE the earth at work, but we still recognize that we depend on the earth for our food. Some part of our Thanksgiving celebration should include being thankful for our food.
2. We feel a sense of national unity - President Abraham Lincoln first declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863. That’s a little over two hundred years after the first thanksgiving dinner in 1621. President Lincoln saw this as a way to unite the North and the South after the Civil War. Prior to this national date, the different states celebrated in their own way. When we, as a nation, agree on something, it is unifying.
3. It promotes national pride - Plymouth colony was not the first English colony in North America. That was Jamestown, but the story of the Plymouth colony is one of success where Jamestown was not considered a success. It was important to portray America as a successful place to start a new life, so stories spread of Plymouth which encouraged other settlers and a sense of national pride.
4. It’s a time to recount history and appreciate the Native Americans – Each year at Thanksgiving, the stories are told of the native Americans who helped the pilgrims learn to plant crops. It’s a contribution to our history that should not be forgotten. The colonists were freezing and starving when the Native Americans stepped in and helped them. Names like Squanto are said at least once a year. Squanto is the Indian credited with acting as interpreter for the pilgrims and taught them to fish, hunt, and plant crops.
5. We give God the Glory-when we stop to acknowledge the One who brings us our food, our freedom, our families, we realize that there is someone who is protecting us. The original thanksgiving was celebrated for this reason only. They knew nothing of the civil war or a football game, it was simply to thank God that they had survived the terrible journey of coming to America and building a new life. The original feast was not called Thanksgiving, but it was declared to give thanks to God.
Parenting Wired Kids
1. It has to start with us—as usual, our behavior sets a standard in our homes. Parents are just as guilty as the children are of be internet obsessed in the same way they can be TV obsessed. We have to get up and walk away from the computer, ipad, ipod, cell phone, etc, just like we need our children to.
2. Then we have to learn how to say no and teach them healthy boundaries in this area. Most kids report that their parents have no idea what they do on the internet. It’s really true about any activity that dominates their life. We have to guide our children to be well-rounded. So when we see the kids come home from school at 4:00 and log on or in or whatever, and stay there until supper and start again after supper, we have to know we have a problem. If that is going on in your house, either unplug the devices or tell them no and suggest other activities they can do.
3. If your child is allowed a facebook page, you must insist that you are allowed to be their friend. That way you can monitor everything that goes on their site.
4. Use security monitoring systems. An 8-year-old might do an online search for "Lego." But with just one missed keystroke, the word "Legs" is entered instead, and the child may be directed to a slew of websites with a focus on legs — some of which may contain pornographic material. Security systems can keep this from happening.
5. Put computer in a public area.
6. Spend time on-line with your child. This shows them appropriate uses of the internet.
7. Educate yourself. If you are not aware of the internet, know that your children are very aware of it. This is their thing! There are websites the will teach you in a simple way, everything you need to know. Just type in Parents and the Internet and you’ll find some.
8. Chat" with your kids
Develop an open dialogue so that you can talk with your kids about the benefits and dangers of the Internet. Cultivate an interest in their online activities—their favorite Web sites, online games, and interests. And don’t be afraid to ask your children who they are talking to online and what they are talking about.
How To Really Enjoy the Holidays
1. Re-evaluate your expectations—does your reality match up with your expectations. It’s a holiday stresser to expect too much out of yourself, your budget, your family, your friends. So regroup if you need to—no one will notice. Be realistic.
2. Delegate—get your family to help. You do not have to do everything for everything to be great. Get your husband to pick up a few gifts—the ones that he can’t mess up on.
4. Start early—this is hard, but crucial if you are one that suffers from holiday stress. Ask yourself, at the beginning of each day, "What two small things can I do that, no matter what else happens, will make it a good day for me?" Then do these two small things-- such as ordering the turkey early -- and congratulate yourself for achieving them.
5. Get organized—this goes with starting early. BE INTENTIONAL! Make a list and check it twice, as Santa says. Make it a goal to get two things done each day that will make Thanksgiving or Christmas easier on you.
6. Use the web—what a great way to shop! You can have things delivered to places like WalMart and when you go to pick them up, they are ready and your name is one them. It’s so fun! Some will even gift wrap.
7. Cheat on the menu if you have to. Have the turkey or other dishes done by a local restaurant or give up the idea of having to do it all and ask friends and family to bring a dish or two.
8. Take care of yourself—this one might be the hardest one to accomplish, but try to keep up any exercise routine you are already in or start one to help with the stress of the holiday. Nothing de-stresses like physical activity and that’s doesn’t mean more shopping!!
9. Just say no! Another tough one during the holidays. Who wants to be the party pooper?? But, being able to turn down something will keep the stress-levels under control. This is very individual, so you need to know yourself.
10. Do what you can do and let the rest go! Realize that Thanksgiving and Christmas will both happen even if you don’t get the perfect gift for Aunt Sally or forget to add celery to the stuffing. Just enjoy your family and friends and that lets them know the true meaning of the holiday season.
Tips to Keep Away From The Comparison Game
1. Focus on behavior-instead of material things
The way we behave toward another person will change the way you think about that person. Any time we are kind to someone else, a wall is broken down, and you can see the true “other” person, not the one with the bigger house, or smaller waist size. Loving other people helps us love ourselves.
2. Remember the “everyone puts their pants on the same way” principle.
When you start to put others on a pedestal you are making sure you stay disconnected from them. Chances are they don’t want to be put on the pedestal in the first place. My dad used to say, “everyone puts their pants on the same way.” Which means in the end we’re all humans. We all have our great traits and our faults—even we can’t see them all.
3. There’s no way to win at this game.
The Comparison Shopping game has no winners. There will always be someone prettier, someone more talented, someone with more money, someone smarter, someone nicer—than you! Just accept it and move on. Trying to one up someone results in a miserable life.
4. Instead of comparing—give thanks
This is a hard one, but a very special friend of mine uses this trick. When you see someone have something you do not have, whether it’s a new house or a toned body and find yourself feeling a little twinge of comparison shopping, stop right then and thank God that they have what they have. Acknowledge that you know God has given them that for a purpose and pray that they will use it to bring glory to God.
5. Use yourself as your marker, instead of others.
Chrys—I’m a fairly competitive person, so this one works for me. Instead of comparing yourself to other people, comparing yourself to YOU! Try to measure your progress in any area you want to improve. If you want to be stronger, or smarter, or slimmer—set some goals, write them down, and compare yourself to yourself in three months. This habit actually has benefits of learning to set goals and feeling good about yourself without using negative feelings about others.
6. Realize where this comes from.
First of all, it’s Satan uses what he know is vulnerable in you, but on a worldly level, the world uses these unrealistic expectations to get you to buy something, go somewhere, or change something that might not need changes so you need their product. It’s just a marketing tool, it’s not a marker for humankind in any other way, but material. It’s not God-driven so it’s not important to you!
Helping Your Children Understand It's NOT All About Them
1. One of the best ways to help your children understand that life comes with responsibilities is to let our children to carry the responsibilities and consequences that our appropriate for the age they are. I remember reading Dr. Dobson when my were little and he advised that a parent never do for a child what they have learned to do. Like, don’t tie their shoes once they know how to tie them. As for job responsibilities--a toddler can learn to pick up his toys after play time and a teen can be required to keep their room tidy plus another job around the house, like clean the bathroom plus keep up with their sports equipment and homework.
Then when child doesn’t handle the responsibility given to him or her, appropriate action must take place. This teaches our children how the real world operates.
2. Keep a check of their outside activities
Using God’s gifts in appropriate ways are a wonderful thing, but when their schedule is too busy to interact with their family, then you need to reevaluate. An overly busy lifestyle keeps kids immature and self-centered. Entire families have had to change to cater to one talented child. If this is the case in your family, you need to reevaluate.
3. Hold your ground
You are likely to have a child who thinks they are on Survivor—they think they can outwit and outlast you in any debate. Don’t debate that child—stop the discussion and tell them you are the mom and you have the last word. End of discussion.
4. Accept the challenge to teach them.
In the movie, The Princess Diaries, the Queen tells the princess that she will accept the challenge of helping her become the princess that she already was. That is our job. To teach our children how to live in this world and with others.
5. Work together as a family
Nothing helps our kids understand community better than working together as a family. Family clean-up days—family mission trips—family church activities—these are all ways to help our children understand their role as a contributing member of our society—not someone who can sit back and let others wait on them.
6. Praise effort and process, not the person. Praise does work but only if it is specific, earned, and stresses the effort put into the task. Praise hard work, attention, persistence, effort. Research shows that stresses how smart someone is works opposite because it becomes about something that can’t be changed—genetics. Instead focus on the work ethic. Then a child learns that he or she has the ability to control his grades, etc.
7. Have other interest than your children.
You might think this sounds a little like the ME generation we’re trying to get away from, but it’s not. Think about this. As a mom, if you have no interest but your children, this will foster the belief that your children are the most important people in the planet. BUT, if you have a hobby, a job, a church activity that you enjoy and they see you thriving at that interest, your children will understand that everyone contributes to our society, even their mom and dad. There may be a time when they have to give up what they want to do to help you do what you need to do and that’s okay. And don’t get hung up in balance—it’s impossible to balance everything. If you start keeping track of every time you played tennis and every time you drove your kids to practice, you would go crazy. Just be alert to the needs of your family and do the best you can do.
Get Started Today-Manners Matter
1. They don’t know what they don’t know—educate!
One teacher we read about said it this way-“In my experience, most people are capable of courtesy when they know clearly what is expected of them.” We often see teachers make a list of expected behavior and kids adhere to those behavior and they suffer the consequences, but parents are reluctant to do this at home. Somehow teachers can control 23 kids, but parents can’t control 3.
Parents have to tell children what they expect them to do. For good manners, children need to know you expect this and this. Maybe make a chart and reward them when they are young. Again, we’re quick to make chart to brush their teeth or feed the dog, how about a chart for saying please and thank you.
For older children, explain to them such quotes as George Bernard Shaw’s “Without good manners, human society becomes intolerable.” Have them tell you why good manners make their world more pleasant and what happens when good manners are not a part of something they attend?
Many times children today are rude and don’t even know they are rude. Educate them! For their own good.
2. Have a greetings rule. My mom has told all her grandchildren that you never see a grandma and not greet her. What she is really saying is it’s rude to come into a social situation and not greet people. Teach your children to say hello and goodbye when they see others.
3. Practice what you expect. Give your children opportunities to practice good manners at home in a role playing session or a for real session. You can either role play or just look for opportunities, but start at home. In our family, I was taught and I taught my children to just say thank you when complimented about something. Don’t offer and explanation of why you picked that dress or an excuse why it’s not the best choice, just say thank you. Once you tell your children this rule of good manners, practice it with them.
4. Practice what you preach! This is always, always the case. Children will model your behavior. Use good manners when speaking to them. Say please and thank you. Greet them when they come in a room—at least the first time. Tell them where you’re going and when you will be home.
5. Rephrase. This method takes time on your part, but it’s part of the “coach” parenting that is so important. Rephrase your child’s words and have them say them again the correct or polite way. For my kids, they might and do say, “Yuck, I don’t like green beans.” So I say, I know need to know that, but you could say, “no thank you.”
6. Be alert to age appropriate manners and mistakes. Young children will spill milk and make social mistakes. Accept these as they are—age appropriate mistakes. While we use this time to teach, we don’t use it to belittle or make feel guilty. A young child doesn’t know that eating with their mouth open is rude, you have to teach that. Don’t assume.
7. Correct privately. As annoying as your child's lack of manners may be, resist the urge to reprimand him in front of other people. Making a scene as you attempt to teach your child proper manners, is, well, bad manners!
8. Think feelings, not rules when educating teens. Help your teens understand that respecting others makes them feel good and disrespect makes them feel bad. Nothing is worth hurting someone’s feelings and bad manners hurt feelings because they show disrespect for someone. Manners are about being aware of how your actions will affect others. Every action affects others in some way.
Forgiving When It Seems Impossible
1. One way to start the process is to understand the importance it has on your life—the grip it has on your life. Those things we mentioned in the last segment—your health, your future life, your relationship with others is all too important to throw away by not letting go of a hurt.
2. Realize it is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice we make that is motivated by our desire to be obedient to God and his command to forgive. The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us: Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
We talked earlier about how forgiveness goes against our nature. When we do anything against our nature, we give God the opportunity to shine. It’s through Him that we can forgive terrible hurts. Our faith allows us to do something we would not ordinarily do. Our faith strengthens us in ways we never thought possible.
What about forgive and forget? Rick Warren says forgiveness can be immediate, but the offense will be remembered forever. He says there is power in remembering because then we know how powerful forgiving is. As humans, we simply cannot forgive and forget--that is impossible and, not necessary--we can use our memories to strengthen our commitment to forgive.
3. Believe that God will honor your commitment to obey Him and your desire to please him when you choose to forgive. Philippians 1:6
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
God will complete the work in his time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.
4. Pray- Prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of an unforgiving heart. Praying for the person who has wronged you changes you in ways you would never know. You are able to see that person through God’s eyes. Prayer allows us see that we are also in need of forgiveness just as this person is. The Bible says, “Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. And pray for those who mistreat you.”
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)
Jesus’ answer makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is an important part of our Christian walk. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
Get Out of a Rut
1. Take Responsibility for Your Own Life--NOW
2. Desire to change
3. Ignore Others
4. Believe you can do it!
5. Don’t’ Wait For Ideal Circumstance
6. Change one thing and see what happens
General Guidelines for Combating the Blame Game
1. Set the standard. We’ve said this before and we’ll keep saying it. Children have to see in you what you expect to see in them. Don’t blame things that go wrong in your life on your parents, your husband, the check-out lady at the store, the slow driver in front of you, etc. If you overslept and were late getting them to school, say that, don’t say tell your teacher your mom is sick today. Be honest! Let them see you doing and saying the right thing.
2. Give them second chances. Help children understand that God is a God of second chances by saying, “I’m giving you another chance to tell the truth.” If you think they are telling an untruth, stop them right there and say, “Think for a minute. Remember it’s important to tell the truth.” Also, praise them when they are honest. But tell them they should be proud of themselves for telling the truth. Praise, don’t reward. Rewarding children for right behavior teaches them that entitlement, instead of respect.
3. Use every day experiences to illustrate the consequences of not accepting blame. This is fairly easy to do since we get to see this played out with politicians, movie stars, and in TV shows and movies all the time. Use age appropriate examples.
Co-Parenting Tips from the Child's Perspective
Tips from a Child’s Perspective
1. Don’t put kids in the middle.
2. Be available talk to them about the divorce.
3. Reflect-on the good times in your marriage and be ready with a good answer when kids say why you divorced.
4. Understand that healing in your kid’s hearts is different from yours.
5. Adjust for the kid’s convenience—not in a pampering way, but be cooperative around holidays and summer camps, etc.
6. Be ready for a wide range of emotions.
7. Tell them good things about the other parent.
8. Don’t force them to feel okay about what has happened.
9. Tell them you love them—all the time.
Communication Tips for Parents
• Look them in the eye—for that to happen, it may mean that you have to stoop down or ask them to stoop down.
• Repeat what you heard. For young children, you might need to help them express thoughts like, “You’re sad because mommy has to go to the meeting tonight.” But for teens, they rarely want you to express their feelings, even if it’s hard for them to do so. It’s best to just use the technique of repeating what you thought they said.
• Validate their concern. Even if you can’t honor their request or fix anything, everyone likes to know they have been understood, so validate what the concern is with something like, “I understand you don’t think your daddy was fair, but his decision is final.”
• Ask questions that require more than a yes or no response. Like, “Tell me the teachers words when she ask you to come to her desk?” or "What upset you the most?" This helps you gather information as well as tells your child you are interested. This goes for fun things as well, not “how was your day” but “what part of this day was your favorite?”
• Make Time for Talking. In today's complex world, it's even more important to make sure you set aside time to talk. That doesn't mean you have to hold a formal meeting. Sometimes the best discussions take place while you're driving the car or puttering around the kitchen.
• Listen to the Little Stuff. Show your kids that you can listen by being available to hear that ramblings of their day. That was when a big issue comes up, they will know you’re there for them.
• Listen Between the Lines. Pay attention to body language and behavior. Many signals that kids send can mimic deeper issues, so you will need to pay attention to your child’s “other” language.
• When appropriate, Ask their Opinion. Just involve your children in issues that would trouble them, but if it’s appropriate, let them help in decision making.
• Don't Interrupt. In a national survey, more than half the children said that when they talk, their parents often or sometimes didn't give them a chance to explain themselves. So don’t interrupt, even if you know what they are going to say or if you’re in a hurry. Just let them finish.
SEVEN COMMON SENSE WAYS TO COMMUNICATE BETTER
1. LET YOUR EARS DO THE WORK-LISTEN-really listen-concentrate on what the person is saying—hearing is only 11% of our learning and we remember very little of what we hear is we don’t play really close attention, we won’t hear any of it.
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror James 1:22-24
2. LET IT GO--IF YOU WONDER WHETHER OR NOT TO SAY SOMETHING—DON’T—just let the thought go. Some things are better left unsaid.
The wise store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin. Proverbs 10:13-15
3. LET them explain—if you don’t understand—ASK! Ask them to say it again or in a different way.
A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them. Proverbs 14:2-4
4. LET YOUR LANGUAGE BE PERSON APPROPRIATE: the listener can understand means it’s about them and not you. Don’t make your words about you.
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:17-19
5. LET YOUR EYES WORK TOO—be familiar with body language signals. Watch people as you talk to them. Everyone uses body language. Do they understand what you’re saying, or are they just agreeing with you.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31:26-28
6. LET YOUR WORDS BE BRIEF AND SIMPLE—not many people want to hear EVERY detail of your day—being brief means your message is more effective.
The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone? Ecclesiastes 6:10-12
7. LET YOUR WORDS LIFT up the other person. Show a genuine interest in what the other person thinks, says, and does.
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:17-19
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:13-14
IMPORTANT INFO TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN ABOUT OUR COUNTRY
1. Flag-this is easy. When you see a flag, explain that it is a symbol, like a wedding ring. It’s how we tell others that we are Americans and it represents us. Tell them that the stripes stand for the 13 colonies and the stars for the 50 states.
2. Pledge-our children should all be able to quote the pledge. Tell them a pledge is a promise. Our pledge is saying that we promise to stand up for America and it reminds us of our freedoms. It was first recited during a celebration to mark the 400th anniversary of Christopher Colombus’ trip to America.
3. National Anthem-The Star Spangled Banner is our country’s song and we sing it to show that we are proud to be Americans. The story behind the anthem is this: A young poet and lawyer named Francis Scott Key wrote the words during the War of 1812. After British ships bombarded a fort in Baltimore during a fierce battle, Key saw our flag still flying, proudly waving. It meant that we still had our freedoms and that we had defended our young country. Ask your child what the image of a flag waving means to him.
4. Independence Day—This event marks the day in 1776 that a group of determined patriot declared our independence from England. We need to tell our kids that this was extremely dangerous because England was very powerful and many people died from our freedom during this time.
5. Rights- Our country is special because it guarantees us specific rights -- these are our freedoms. We can give our children examples of their rights by telling them about prayer, newspapers, and the right to say what they think. You might ask your child what rights he or she is happy they have.
6. Responsibilities-Tell your children that our country works like a family--everyone needs to help for it to run smoothly and successfully. As a member of our country -- a citizen -- we go to school, vote, obey the law, and pay taxes. In a practical way, they can understand not littering and being a good citizen by helping others and keeping our communities clean and safe.
HANDING DISAPPOINTMENT
1. Expect disappointment--not in a gloom and doom way, rather knowing that it will come in life.
2. Put thing in perspective.
3. Hang around positive people--no pity party! The glass is ½ FULL rather than ½ empty – same amount either way – just the way you choose to look at it! —You want a friend who can acknowledge the disappointment, but not just dig a hole and ask you to join the.
4. Be optimistic—fake it if you have to. Practice makes perfect. (easier for some than others.)
5. Don’t be so hard on others/lower your expectations to something more realistic.
a. “Don’t try to hold others to a standard you are not willing to adhere to!!” You can’t expect them to do what you are not willing to do yourself!! Don’t be so hard on others!
b. And that means being willing to forgive.
6. Embrace change-disappointment is all about change in some way. Embracing means to wrap up in it and hold it tight. Embrace the “new” road you might be traveling on and look for the party!
TIME OUT FOR MOM
1. Know that you are justified in feeling overwhelmed—being a mom is a tough job! No one can do it all—try as we might—we are not superwomen.
2. If you do not have family close by, ask a neighbor, church friend, or family member to trade kids with you for a few hours a week. Schedule the time on a regular basis so you can look forward to it each week.
3. Realize your own children are capable of helping you with chores to free you up for some quiet time.
4. Find a local fitness club that offers child care. Even if you don’t work out, pretend you are just to get the break. (I did this!)
4. Find a hobby that you enjoy and feel passionate about. Even if you have to do it with kids surrounding you, you will still feel a sense of well-being. (for me sewing and then tennis)
5. Adopt a 1950s-mom trait and send the kids outside or to their rooms to play for thirty minutes. This will not kill them. (Remember those days, when we stayed outside until dinner?)
6. Discover the power of NO. Tell yourself, “I’ve got a “no” and not afraid to use it.”
7. Lastly, don’t blame others for you not having time for yourself. This only makes you and those around you miserable. It’s no one’s responsibility but your own to figure this out. Please keep in mind that neither your friend nor your mom, your mother-in-law, not even your husband, can read your mind to know you need help. An honest look at what is happening in your life will either help you discover that you really have more time than you think, or help you find ways to make a little more time for you. Sometimes our feelings of being overwhelmed are self-imposed—don’t defeat yourself.
KEEPING YOUR BUSYNESS UNDER CONTROL
1. Keep a calendar book or a family calendar in your kitchen. Post a magnetic notepad on your refrigerator to write down necessary items for shopping trips.
2. Spend a few minutes every evening reviewing your to-do list for tomorrow. Those few minutes can mean the difference between a stress-free, productive day and a day that makes you want to pull your hair out.
3. Do a deeper evaluation: What’s your biggest time-waster? TV, Computer games, talking on the phone. Give it up for one week and see how good you feel about what you accomplish.
4. Check the balance in your life. Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. Label one side “Urgent” (for items with pressing deadlines, like paying bills, walking the dog, baking cookies for school, cleaning the house for company) and the other “Important” (for tasks with long-term consequences—activities that are an investment in the lives of our children and others). Decide in which column each task that is making you feel too busy right now belongs. Resolve to give priority to those things that are truly important, not just those that clamor loudest for your attention.
5. Learn to delegate. Concentrate on what you’re good at and love doing. Find ways to delegate other tasks. Who knows, you might find that while cooking is a chore for you, one of your children is a budding chef who finds it a creative delight!
TEACHABLE MOMENTS THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE
1. Make teachable moments a priority—intentional, deliberate. (movies, etc.) God gave us all the same 24 hours in a day—whether you are the President of the United States or a mom trying to raise great kids, God gave us a quantity of time. it’s up to us to use it effectively and turn it into quality time.
2. Look for teachable times in every day life--like meal times, car time, after school activities.
3. Develop a trust relationship with your children---that comes through them seeing the consistent behavior they crave, loving them unconditionally, and being clear on what you believe. Studies show that what makes a child secure is consistent behavior from adults. When routines and rules stay in place, children are happier.
4. Embrace the outcomes you expect. If you are saying one thing and doing another, your children will be the first to pick up on it. If you want your children to react a certain way, they have to see it in you.
5. Make your parenting efforts exist in “real time.” An effective coach continually addresses the needs of his players when they need them, not two days later. That why teachable moments are so valuable. (a series of small adjustments—example--tennis)
6. Realize that you are not in control of the outcome of your efforts, but you are in control of your efforts. (watering the seeds)
7. Let your church, school, and others help, not lead. They are the support system. They are not to do the job that is ours.
BEING WHO GOD INTENDS YOU TO BE IN HANDLING MONEY
1. Be open. There should be no secrets in a relationship about money or budgeting. If you both agree on how money should be spent and stick to it, then harmony is achieved.
2. Be generous with each other. This means gives each other some freedom to spend a designated amount on whatever. It may be $5 or $50 a month, but having this freedom keeps you from feeling like your still under an allowance system with your parents.
3. Be accountable. Don't hide your spending habits from your spouse. Consult your spouse before purchasing big-ticket items. Credit cards make hiding spending from your own self easy so don’t use credit cards if you cannot pay them each month.
4. Be realistic! Get real about how much money you have. Set a realistic budget and financial goals and stick to them. Realize and teach your children—you can’t have everything. Seriously—you can’t!!
5. Be smart! Educate yourself about the financial state of your family. You don’t know what you don’t know. Find out if you can afford something BEFORE you buy it, then don’t spend what you don’t have. It’s that simple!!
6. Be honest! If you can’t control your spending, take a good look at what might be behind that. Get help if you need it.
7. Be fair! Don’t allow your spouse to work 80 hours a week so you can live at a higher level. That doesn’t make a good marriage even though it makes a good paycheck.
8. Be alert! When an argument arises over a financial matter, ask yourself: Is it really a money problem or is it a relationship problem?
BUILDING CHILDREN OF CHARACTER
1. Live your life as if someone is always watching. They are. Your ability to influence your children is dependent upon them respecting and trusting you. (Story of actress the other day saying her two year old said a really bad word. Host said where did he learn it? She said, his dad.)
2. Embrace wholeheartedly the character traits that define who you really are and pass on the rules YOU live by to your children. Remember the quotes your mother and grandmother said to you, “Pretty is as pretty does” “Actions speak louder than words.” Verbalize the rules you live by.
3. Be pro-active (intentional) in your quest to build children of character. Don’t assume they will get it JUST by watching you. Practice or role play character building behavior. George Barna says to coach in the moment—continually addressing the developmental needs at the time of greatest impact.
4. As they get older, give them books to read with good role models and insist they do the things to build the character traits you value—like speaking up when adults address them, opening doors for women, get up and help you when you come in the house with groceries.
5. Point out good role models. When you find an example of good character in a television or movie character or in a book you’re enjoying together, point it out. Discuss it. Applaud it. Let your children know that this is the kind of behavior and character you admire and expect from them. (Movies like the Blindside. The Patriot, Count of Monte Cristo, The Ultimate Gift open the door for discussions on good values and doing what is right when everyone around you does wrong).
6. Acknowledge and commend your children when you see evidence of progress in good character in their life. Tell them you’re proud, but most importantly they should be proud of themselves for behaving in a way that shows good moral strength. They are likely to repeat behavior they are rewarded for.
7. Have the vision for seeing the end result. Child rearing is the art of handling the unexpected without losing sight of the ultimate goal. As a parent, we have to have a detailed vision of what our children will develop into as an adult. Look at your children as an adult to be confident you are putting the traits in them that you know God has in mind for them.
RECLAIMING THE CASTLE
Here are some do’s and don’t to get you back on track if you feel like you may be losing the battle.
1. Don’t try to keep every plate spinning, only the super important ones. God has called you to be a wife, first, then mother. Give up the notion that you can do it all and tell yourself instead, “you can do it all, just not all at the same time.” Spinning lots of plates only gets you exhausted; it doesn’t make you a better mom. Look very carefully at your plates. One of the quickest ways to give up your authority is when you are too tired to fight for it.
2. Start today as if it were the first day with your family. You will be surprised at how quickly your children can adjust to a new way of doing things.
3. Let your children help. Working together to take care of a home and each other teaches kids they belong and are part of something important. Being with parents as they “do life” is an invaluable learning tool.
4. Show kids that the things we have are to be respected. Help them see that we are just managers while we’re on this earth and managers take care of things for the owner. In our case, God owns it, we take care of it.
5. Give them age appropriate personal “jobs.” Like bringing their own laundry to the laundry room or straightening their rooms just before bedtime. Then INSPECT what you EXPECT.
6. Act like the Queen mom. Not like the bad or wicked queen, but the queen who knows her position and is confident of who gave her the power. In our case, in your case, God gave you the power. My mom used to tell me when I was a young mom to act confidently even if I wasn’t sure what I should do. Children want adults in their life to be confident in their decision. This is a person they can respect and they will over time.
SUGGESTIONS FOR ESTABLISHING A PEACEFUL HOME
1. Peace chart for your home/have a peace party or celebration to kick it off and give your kids a lesson on getting along.
2. Involve your children in finding peaceful solutions—call it a peace council meeting
3. Spend some time organizing your home—your unrest may be due to clutter in your home-take one room a weekend until they are all done—kids can help with this. But—realize things that bother you may not bother your spouse or your kids. So, find a compromise to de-stress your situations and restore peace. (Shut the door to the messy room so you don't have to see it. Ask everyone to spend just five minutes every day to de-clutter your living areas. If possible, do it together to build a sense of cohesiveness and cooperation.)
4. Set the tone with your voice, like teachers have learned to do.
5. Stop trying to fix everything. Peace will come when you understand that you won’t have all the answers and kids need to know this. Every fight will not have a solution that works for everyone.
6. Don't freak out. Most of the things that stress us out are just a combination life’s little bothers. Ask yourself, How big a deal is it? Then, focus on the important issues and leave the lesser ones alone.
7. Does it seem like you are the one who does everything? That may be true - but then, you are the one who WANTS everything done. If you want something done, recognize that you are doing it FOR YOURSELF, not for anyone else. They don't care as deeply about it as you do.
THE A, B, C'S TO STOP THE WORRYING CYCLE
1. Ask yourself if you can do or change anything about the situation you are worried about. For example, if you're worried that your house will be hit by a meteor and destroyed, realize there is nothing you can do about that.
2. Believe you can stop worrying. Believing you CAN stop empowers you to break this bad habit.
3. Claim the present. Worry is always about a future event that may or may not happen. If you spend your time worrying about that possibility, you are neglecting your present. Focus on what is happening right now.
4. Do something if you can. For example, if you’re worry you will die early of heart disease like your father, be sure you take the necessary steps to eat better, exercise, etc. If you’re worried you’re a tornado might hit your house, build a storm cellar or come up with a tornado plan.
5. Examine your motives. Are you worrying as an attention getter? Take some time to explore your life history to see why worry is a part of your mental life. Knowing why helps us to come up with new solutions rather than worrying.
6. Focus on the positives in your life and leave the negatives behind. You might need to see your positives in writing, so write them out and post them somewhere.
7. Give it to God.--Incorporate prayer in your life. Don’t keep picking up your bag of worries after you have given them to Him. He is the one who can do something about it. It’s in good hands.
8. Help yourself. When you feel worry trying to conquer you, get up and get moving—exercise, cook, do a good deed—anything that is fun, interesting, distracting.
ANGER AND OUR CHILDREN
Consider these helpful hints—not the answer to the world’s problems with anger. But something in what we say might help you to handle a child who shows his or her anger in more aggressive ways.
1. Ask-let the child try to explain what he or she is feeling. You may have to help them express this. Then explain that’s it’s okay to feel like that, but not okay to act like they did. Know they will NOT get this on the first time. Repeated and consistent!
2. Ignore—If you can ignore a tantrum, this is sometimes very effective. When the child doesn’t get rewarded for their bad behavior, many times they will just stop and go on to something else. Of course, you will need to go back later and revisit the behavior and explain that you will not acknowledge that behavior.
3. Be firm—don’t let their behavior cause you to change your decision. Say No and mean it. Let them know that their actions don’t determine your decision.
4. Provide Activity—Physical activity helps all of us deal with emotions. Suggest running around the house or throwing a ball. Explain that this might help them feel better.
5. Praise-When you do see your child reacting appropriately, let them know.
6. Use humor—humor can really help diffuse any situation, but be careful to not make matters worse by embarrassing them.
7. Pray—stopping and praying over the situation acknowledges that the situation is real and that we can asked God for help.
ANGER AND ADULTS
1. Stop-when you feel your blood starting to boil, stop yourself. Walk away from the situation so you have time to do the next step.
2. Think—Be honest with yourself and ask yourself “what is really happening”. Are you afraid, embarrassed, or frustrated? Tell yourself, anger is easier than admitting the real reason, but you can do it.
3. Plan—Determine what is really bothering you and how you can handle the situation effectively. That might include getting more professional help or an anger accountability partner. It might mean having a conversation with those you have the most conflict with and coming up with some solutions.
4. Act—Do it! Whatever you planned to do, do it before the day is over, as the Bible says.
Don't let the devil have any glory! Stand up to anger and conquer it.
SIBLINGS-WHY CAN'T THEY BE FRIENDS
1. Model what you expect. The way we, as parents, solve problems will set a strong example to our kids. If you slam doors and yell and scream, they will to. These are bad habits that have to stop!
2. Get Organized. Set up a schedule to avoid the “frequent” argument, like who picks the movie in the car or sits in the front seat.
3. Be the Coach. Use words like, “I know you’re upset because Johnny won’t give you the remote, but you have to ask him nicely.” Or “Susie, if you want Mary to stop let you play, you have to ask nicely.” This is different than intervening and just sending them to their rooms. This is helpful and teaches them “how” to resolve their problems.
4. Use Time Outs. If you have to intervene, separate the kids until they are calm. Especially, for older kids, say elementary age, it’s good to give them a little space and time to cool off. Then, coach them to solve the problem.
5. Look for Solutions, Not Blame. This is hard because kids want to blame and in many ways, we do to. But, it does take two to fight, so they are both responsible for something. Help them find a “win-win” for both parties. For instance, if they are fighting over one toy, maybe there is a game they can both play.
6. Hold a family meeting. Let them in on the problem. Sometimes kids need to be told how stressful their behavior can be to the family. Set some established family ground rules and consequences for fighting. For instance, if a child slams a door, that child will not be allowed TV privileges for the night. Once a rule is established, DO NOT break it.
7. Establish this fact: Words like “fair” and “equal” are words that will not make you change your mind. Each situation will require something different, as each child does. You are being fair by treating each child with what he or she needs, they just don’t understand that.
8. Be proactive. Give your kids one on one time with you as well as a place where they can do their own thing. This doesn't have to be a huge space, it can be a corner. Also, try to avoid the situations where fighting occurs. For example, if two of yours are worse than the others, don’t sit them by each other at meal times, etc.
9. Remember, the big picture. Children will grow up to be adults who have to function in a “big” world. Getting along with others is a life time skill that is more valuable than math or history! Help them learn to value people and to compromise and negotiate.
BOUNDARIES
1. First of all, realize that children who challenge us are really crying out for more limits. A child screaming in WalMart really wants someone to say “We don’t act like that.” They NEED and WANT someone to be in charge.
2. Letting your kids live by their rules is cruel. The real world will not let them live by their own rules, so letting them do so as children is setting them up for failure.
3. Boundaries grow with the child. Your child will go from a playpen to the entire world, but it’s a gradual process. Children who skips steps we likely struggle all of their lives in some area.
4. Boundaries are God’s idea. He set boundaries in the Garden of Eden and He had a reason for His boundaries. They were for protection. Ours should be as well. We want our kids to understand that our rules are not to be mean and ugly, but to protect them in some way.
5. Be certain of your motivation and your reason for the boundaries isn’t out of a need to control or not let go of your child.
